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Warning Label and Care Instructions, take one
Every time I fall in love — and recover from it — I think I should come with a warning label. And then I forget until I’m swimming in the recovery again. This time, I’m writing it.
Warning: I’m going to fall in love with you. Get close to me, get close enough to kiss me, and you’re just about guaranteed to have a love bug on your hands (in your arms, in your kitchen, in your heart if you’ll take her). Not for the faint of heart.
I’ve figured out it’s like this: if I’m going to be getting close with a man, I’m going to want to go for it. I’m going to want to go deep and contemplate our existence and open my heart over and over again to all of our beauty and all of our beautiful neuroses and have a laugh about it all. I’m going to both bring and want understanding and compassion and willingness to ride it all out together. To deepen our connection to one another and to life through the joy of such open-heartedness.
I’m content and warm, peaceful and happy and deeply fulfilled in my individual world. I treasure my life. I wear a hat that says “I Love My Life” on it, and I mean it. I live in joy.
And nothing sends me on the spin cycle quite like getting close to a man or letting a man get close to me. And I want to go for it.
Last night I was doing an exercise from The Artist’s Way where I made a list of 20 things I’d do if I didn’t have to do them perfectly. The very first thing I wrote was: be a girlfriend. (at the end, I added a 21st entry, by the way: write songs.)
I want to try it!
I was getting close with a man recently, and I was starting to feel anxiety. I told him, “Ideally what I want is to be with someone who rides these things out with me.”
“Rides what out?” he asked.
“Moods,” I said.
He said, “Isn’t that what you do in relationships? Haven’t you been in a relationship where you do that?”
And me, Miss I-Don’t-Believe-in-Embarrassment, felt embarrassed. I didn’t want to say, “I have no idea what you do in relationships! I don’t remember the last one I was actually in!”
(okay, never mind that all interactions with others are relationships. Never mind that I’ve had lovers of sorts or short-term dating situations. I’m talking things we claim here. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. You think YOU take the Heisman stance? I do it with TWO hands!)
I’m realizing, actually, that a big part of that don’t-come-near-me stance was a confusion of feeling like I wanted to be close but having some deep-rooted belief (so deep I didn’t know it was there) that the desire for such closeness was wrong or shameful. It’s a relief, really, to distinguish that notion. I give some credit to The Artist’s Way, as I’m unearthing things that this person, this individual creation of the Divine, this unique flower, wants — wants as a way for the Divine to express uniquely and to examine itself through relationship with another and to love more fully. How beautiful.
So here’s the deal. I’m welcoming love in. My Heisman days are over. I can relate to those setting themselves up that way. I did it for years. And now I’m finished with it.
I’m ready and willing. That is, once I get to a certain place. You still have to get past some gates. But I’m tellin’ ya, once that gate is down, …
Girlfriends - and some comedians on Oprah - love to coach on male/female conversations and tell a person not to be certain ways because they warn that one’s behavior could scare a man away. Well, shoot, if I’m gonna scare you away, I’d rather have you split sooner than later! Why not show myself up front?
Oh this is so awesome: Ryan Adams just came on my Pandora singing “This is It” — perfect (don’t waste my time/this is it/this is really happening …).
So look closely at the warning label, and I promise to post it in a place you can see it clearly.
If you get close enough to kiss me, I’m gonna want to go deep.
And from me you can count on all kinds of lovin’. I’ll open my heart to you over and over again. I’ll bring passion and creativity and wholesome colorful food. And the ultimate commitment to the relationship being a supportive vehicle for our spiritual awakening, for awakening to the love of God that is our true nature.
And I’ll be raunchy and sometimes cranky and I’ll get tired and cold and hungry and will want to nest up in your arms and have you read to me before we go to sleep.
And I’ll read to you, too.
Just know. If we’re at the point where we’re reading to each other, I’m probably already in love with you. It’s my superpower and I’m ready to come out of my Clark Kent mode and own it. And I’m ready to share it.
